Walter's Day Off
by stagetrinity
Summary: This isn't about Walter, but what happens when he's not there....and everyone else is gone as well?...'cept Alucard and Integra. It makes you laugh. Period. mega OOC...on and, it has to have almonds...
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER; We do not own Hellsing, or Integra's period...ok..

This is a conclomeration of skills by..meh...and...her...her being...Rogue151! This was inspired...I don't even know how..just watch the Hellsing anime on mute and dub it...include Rogaine...mucho important..oh, and Mountain Dew..Then you'll get your own ideas...We also sell CDS of ourselves acting out pieces...4.95 a cd...it 4 a.m., do not question me...

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Walter's Day Off

a days before

Things had begun to calm down in the Hellsing Mansion. No strong vampires had appeared, no one was trying to take over and torch all of England, life at the time was good. At least that's what Integra thought as she sat in her office chair being able to surf the internet for something not vampire related. Integra smiled to herself as she logged in to her most favorite website of all, the Hello Kitty homepage. Just as she was about to voice her opinion on the thread titled "Is Hello Kitty a white Persian or a pale Siamese" a knock came at her door. Slightly annoyed she minimized her window and brought up another one which had the Google search results of "Strange killings with neck bites".

"Enter" sighed Integra, whoever it was better make it quick. Walter entered then bowed slightly.

"I've brought the day's mail Sir Integra."

"Thank You Walter just sit it on the table by the door, I'll get to it in a bit." Integra turned back to her laptop waiting for the reassuring click of the door before she pulled back up the window to continue her debate, but the sound never came. She looked back up to see Walter still standing in front of her. "Is there something else you needed?" she asked in a slightly strained tone. Walter straitened up and began his case, "Yes ma'm, I was wondering if I could have the day off tomorrow. You see today I received and invitation requesting that I attend a Butler's Convention-"

Integra nodded waving a hand for him to go "Yes, it's fine you're free to leave."

"But Sir Integra tomorrow-"

"Just Go!"

Walter gave a small bow concealing a smile before he left the room "Yes Miss." As the door closed behind him Walter gave a sigh of relief. It seemed someone else would have the joys of serving Sir Integra tomorrow. He then picked up his suitcase and began heading down the hall towards the front entrance of the mansion where he already had a cab waiting. Just as he was about to open the front door to his freedom a voice spoke up behind him.

"Walter sir, where are you going?"

He turned around to see Seras staring at him with wholly innocent eyes, and found that he could not leave her to endure the tortures he periodically had to face. "It's time."

Seras gave Walter a quizzical look "What?"

Walter sighed and then began to speak a little slower "For Integra…it's _time."_

Seras stared at Walter for a bit before realization suddenly dawned upon her face. "Ohhh."

Walter smiled "Yes well then, cheerio Miss Victoria." He then rather hurriedly opened the front door and walked briskly to cabs Seras watched as the cab drove down the driveway burning rubber as it left, She then began to hustle down the hall towards Integra's office. She suddenly found herself running into an object which turned out to be Pip.

"Woah were are you off to in such a hurry kitten?" asked Pip filled with concern. Seras straightened up and whispered frantically "Code Red!" then proceeded to dash down the hall. Pip stood there for a minute the pieces slowly his eyes widening more with each click. "Hey Seras wait up!"

Seras and Pip then simultaneously ran into Integra's office. Integra not expecting their sudden intrusion clasped her hands over her laptop. "What do you two want?!

Seras bravely spoke first. "Sir Integra Pip and I were wondering if we could have tomorrow off?"

"Yes yes it's perfectly fine" waved Integra, hoping they'd leave her office soon so she could get back to her Hello Kitty Fanclub message boards.

"And the guys-" spoke up Pip.

"Yes they can have the day off too." said Integra quickly "Now please leave." Seras and Pip shared a smile as they left Integra's office. Seras suggested they go check out the new club that opened downtown to which Pip agreed and so they left along with most everyone else in the mansion, no one planning to return until the next day.


	2. Death by Chocolate

This...chapter...was so fun to write...definately. I dun own these people...I wish I did...but I don't..yep..so enjoy did one..MCL

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** The next day**

The sun was beginning to filter through large windows of the Hellsing Mansion, casting an eerie glow on the man gliding along the floor. His footfalls were heavy as he proceeded down the corridor leading to the stairs, which he also followed in a trance-like state.

"Damn Vatican scum," the man muttered darkly, malice and hatred dripping from the short, quick words. He stopped quickly, jerking his head to the side, adding with a bit of humor, "And hello my splendid coffin."

The door to the chamber opened with a resounding screech that obviously showed it was in pain. However, vampires didn't usually care to go look for oil cans when they had been awake for some odd thirty hours.

The raven-haired creature dropped heavily into a large chair, sighing with a sort of relaxed comfort as he slipped the glasses from his face, placing them gently on a nearby table along with his large hat. The next article to be place on the table was a large gun, glistening in the flickering light of the lone candle.

Standing, the man slipped off the bloody, crimson colored duster and threw it over the chair, giving a nonchalant shrug at its untidy landing. His boots met the same fate, flying someone into the darkness as well. He'd find them later, he felt no urgent need to wear them to his coffin or anything of that sort.

With a full fledged smile that displayed his perfect canines, he fell over into the casket, giving the top a jerk as he slid it into the perfect position that would ensure his perfect rest.

"Perfect, nothing could possibly bother this."

He wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but something was pricking at his brain. It was cold and harsh, tearing at the fabric of his dreamless sleep.

"Alucard." The voice commanded in a sharp, desperate whisper.

"mmmmm?"

"Alucard!" the voice was more urgent this time, the volume piercing,

"Go away…" he hissed darkly, clenching his dark red eyes harder, as if this would so how impair his hearing.

"Alucard, servant to the Hellsing organization, WAKE YOUR BLOODY ASS UP!"

"Damn you, Integra, what in all of hell?" Alucard cried darkly, suppressing most of his anger as he sat up, peering at the woman leaning over his coffin, her slender fingers grasping the lid in desperation.

A smile tweaked at his features. Integra really did have a sort of beauty to her, but it wasn't like her to show it, or her emotions. She was a statue; a woman made of stone.

"Alucard, I need chocolate," she whispered, desperate and pitiful. "And not one, two."

"Excuse me?" The man peered at her through dark bangs, and expression of confusion evident on his face. Shaking her head, he gently dislodged her fingers from his coffin lid, noticing the eight tiny fingernail imprints on the top. He'd check for the other two later. "Calm yourself Integra, what do you need?" the man inquired gently, locking his dark gaze with her soft blue.

"Chocolate….w…with almonds." The woman whom he had grown to see as invulnerable, invisible, was sitting here on his chamber floor, clutching her knees to her chest. Her hair was ragged, falling in messy tangles around her.

"Integra, why are you wearing a pink robe?" he blurted without thinking.

"Are you listening you bloody oaf!?" She shrieked in desperation, her trembling fingers finding solace while wrapped around the vampire's strong neck. "Read my lips. I…Want…Chocolate."

"Yes, and I want sleep. Buy it yourself."

"Are you insane!?" Her gripped tightened noticeably. "I have no clothes!"

"Say that again?" he asked, his eyebrows shooting up with evident interest.

"You heard me. Get out!" She drew back quickly, tossing her blond mass over a shoulder and standing. Like a mother scolding a child, she pointed to the door, her fingers trembling. "Now."

"Integra, _sir_, I have had no sleep for near thirty damn hours. Do you need it now?" he pleaded, gesturing to his coffin.

In a flash, the gun from his table glittered dangerously in front of him. "You are my servant, do as I say Alucard."

"But my room, my sleep-!"

"My bloody mansion." Her eyes glittered with a crazy sense of hatred, her small, white teeth bared much like a mad dog.

With a sigh, Alucard wiped the drool from his master's chin with a gloved finger, reaching for his duster, stopping when Integra grabbed his arm.

"No, stupid, normal clothes, it's 10:30!"

"A.M. I presume," he sighed, letting the duster fall limply back in place. Holding a finger to indicate her needed at least one more minute before she snapped and totally destroyed him, he strode into the darkness to find the boots he had lost there sometime earlier. As he tucked them under his arm, he walked by his mistress, muttering, "I need normal clothes."

"Don't forget….is has to have almonds," she called to him, slamming the door. From the other side, she added, "I expect you back by 10:50."

"One day….one day…" he muttered as the door closed behind her small frame. He frowned at the door, his nose detecting a new, somewhat interesting smell. "That's…peculiar. Smells like…blood? With a hint of…roses!?"


	3. Anderson sells Holy Water

Another disclaimer...about stuff I don't own...like Hellsing...but we own the Catholic Bookstore...as always...R&R

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The air outside was rough and threatening, smelling of oncoming stormy weather. Alucard blinked, his eyes adjusting to the harsh morning light as he peered through his dark glasses. The streets were, for the most part, empty and uncrowned. 

"Damn," he muttered, sticking his gloved hands into the pockets of the dress pants he had chosen to wear. "Why is the sun always so damn bright." The rays were beating mercilessly upon his pale face, steering clear of the surly frown etched on his features. The glares he gave those who looked at him ensured he never got looked at again by the same person. With a sigh, he stopped at what he assumed was a decent place.

"The 'Indian Store'," he read off the sign, peering up at the sign in slight confusion, yet he pushed the door open none-the-less. Inside, twenty almost identical dark faces peered at him with quizzical looks. Black, darks locks flowed from the heads of all of them.

Alucard took a step back, his pale face standing out like a beacon. "My apologies," he muttered, exiting back onto the street. He shook his head in slight annoyance, moving down the street to the next store. The signs on these were all equally as odd.

He observed signs for 'The Pet Store', 'The Sandwich Store', 'The Kitchen Appliance Store', 'The Clothing Store', 'The Show Store', then…

"The Catholic Book Store!?" he exclaimed, stopping a few feet away. In front of the door stood a small child, her expression fixed and hard. She resembled a small, fragile porcelain doll with flowing red hair that complimented her dark blue dress. In her held, a small chain dangled, flashing a silverfish color in the light.

Alucard walked cautiously in front of the store, his curiosity piqued. The little girl stared at the tall vampire with wide, frightened eyes. Slowly, she lifted up the rosary.

"F..fa…fa…fa."

"Boo," Alucard snapped with a smirk, relishing her loud cries of terror as she tore into the store.

"Excuse me my good fellow!"

Alucard blinked. He knew that voice….that voice of…

"I'm Father Anderson, can I assist you in finding God?"

"I'm afraid not," Alucard replied, adjusting his glasses and peering in the door or the store. "I must be going."

"Are you sure I could not interest you in a bible? A rosary? Holy water? How about-?" the man persisted, swinging around to face the creature.

"Look, I-"

"You!" the father hissed, narrowing his dark eyes into slits. His expression switched to revulsion as he felt around in his pockets. "Give me a moment, I am sure I have a bayonet in here somewhere."

"I wouldn't be surprised," Alucard moaned, peering around the father in hopes of an escape that did not involve getting himself stabbed and drawing attention, which would make him later than he was sure he already was.

"One second, I swear," Anderson assured him, fishing around in the pocket of his coats.

"Look, I really-" Alucard protested, clenching his fist in anger.

"Prepare to die, demon!" the father cried, brandishing a bayonet as he recited prayers.

"Shut up, dammit!" the creature screeched, his canines flashing. "I have no time for you!!"

"There is always time for God," the man chuckled.

"You aren't God, dammit! You're a priest who works at a catholic bookstore on the weekends earning money to hire prostitutes or other sick mess!"

Anderson hesitated for a second, taking a step back, "Look, I need money for coats and bayonets, not…not prostitutes," he explained, waving to the people who were peering at them.

"Yeah, well, why you're playing you sick little games," he hissed, grabbing the surprised man by his throat and jerking him to him, "I am out on and an errand I was supposed to have completed two minutes ago, but because you and your damn bayonet, I'm late." Throwing the man down, he pressed his boot into the father's chest. "So if you're going make me stand here and play, then _you_ are going to buy Integra chocolate with blasted almonds, _you_ are going to arrive at the mansion late, _you_ are going to listen to her rants, and _I _am going to dress up in your damn oversized jacket and sell Holy water to all who pass by."

Emitting a roar of unadulterated fury, the raven haired being tossed his mussed hair with a dark smile.

"Any questions?"

"Here's five pounds," the father gasped, producing a crumpled bit of many into the vampire's hand. "Um, we'll finish this some other time. I have to sell Holy water."

Alucard sighed, stuffing the bill into his pocket, turning to peer across the street. A delighted smile lit up his face as he saw a large display for chocolate across the street.

"Wonderful! And what store can I thank for this," he muttered, looking up to glance at the side that simply read 'Convenient Store'. "How, um, convenient."

Crossing the street with a new found spring in his step, he threw open the door. He was greeted with a sound of jangling bells tied to the handle of the door.

However, within a matter of seconds, his delight was replaced with dread. Across the store was a large sign reading "Chocolate! With almonds!" Up under this was a large selection of brands and types.

"How hard can it be, it's just got to have almonds, right?" he reassured himself, picking through the mess. "But this one has caramel, but this one is dark chocolate. And Milk? And what difference is lite chocolate!?"

Alucard dumped his large selection on the counter, ignoring the surprised look of the Sales Clerk.

"Hello, um," he paused a moment, reading her glittering nametag, "Jami. Look, just…this."

"Will that be all sir?"

"No, I want the whole container, these are just for samples…I have a truck out back…." He paused a moment, frowning.

"Um, ok," she said quizzically. "That'll be…um…" She paused, counting the mass out on the counter.

Alucard glanced up at the clock ticking over the register. "Look, how about I just give you…shit!"

"Excuse me!? We don't take…that…here. Cash only."

"I can't find my cash," he growled, his anger seething. Why was he the one doing this? Why wasn't Walter doing this? And had this even happened before?

Slamming his fist down on the counter, he muttered. "I…I can't pay."

"Well I'm sorry, but I can't-"

"Hey, look!! It's the Beatles!"

"Um, they're dead."

"Dangit," he snapped in exasperation. Desperate, he struggled to pull something else up. 'Isn't one still alive?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Look, a Beatle!"

"Oh my gosh, a beetle! I hate bugs!' she screeched, diving somewhere behind the counter.

"Yeah, um, stay hidden, it'll be gone soon," Alucard muttered, sweeping all the chocolate into a bag he snatched up. Spinning on his heel, he clattered out into the street, clutching the bag to his chest.


	4. The Godmother

Yesh, I know this is really short. This chapter has actually been on my laptop since I last updated...it just never occured to me to update it...Oo I'm sorry, I just looked at it but never did...I'll keep this up now!

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-1The clock struck eleven as the large door swung open. Alucard cringed as the chimes continued to remind him he was late. He knew damn well he was late, which did not bode well for him in the least.

Upon reaching the door to her study, he hesitated, pondering whether or not going in this way would be the best method. The creature blinked a second, casting his dark eyes upon the floor before turning and heading up the stairs to the next floor, positioning himself above the study he had been so reluctant to enter.

A moment later his head phased through the ceiling, peering into the darkness of the room. The reek of cigar smoke penetrated his nostrils heavily, the noise of drumming fingers resounding like death chimes in the room. Not that the thought of death was something threatening to him, but sometimes Integra's anger was indeed a fate worse than dying.

"Alucard, do come down from there," she drawled, taking a drag on her cigar before pressing it into the rapidly filling ashtray positioned close by. Coils of smoke spiraled around her features, reflecting in her angry blue eyes as she positioned them on his face.

With a mischievous grin, Alucard phased the rest of his body into the room, coming to his usual position in front of her desk. He noted with immense relief and pleasure that she seemed normal. Well, if you overlooked the fact she was still clad in the pink bathrobe from before. However, she had at least taken time to brush out her hair, the pale locks falling delicately around her, only slightly softening the dark, displeased expression on her young face.

"Hello, Master," he drawled, breaking the silence of the dark room.

He began to feel a slight nervousness overtake him as the woman calmly slid open a drawer and pulled out a pack of cigars and the gun she had pulled on him earlier.

"Alucard," she began, her tone neutral as she pulled a cigar from the box, placing it in her mouth. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"It's not 10:50, if that's what you're implying," the raven haired man replied, brushing his messy hair from his eyes. "And I sense you aren't very pleased with your servant."

"So you do have a least a speck of sense left in your small brain," Integra retorted, lighting the cigar before leaning on her elbow. "But now tell me, are you aware of what this means?"

"I'm assuming you're going to tell me."

Her expression rapidly switched to one of intense anger. "Dammit Alucard, where's my bloody chocolate!?" the female roared, flying out of the chair and flinging it to the floor behind her. "You are ten minutes late! What kind of servant can't follow simple orders! All I asked you to do was bring me a bit of chocolate. Just a little-what's this?"

"You're chocolate," he replied smugly, pouring the contents of the bag across the desk. "I didn't know what kind to get, but I can assure you that they all have almonds in them."

"A...Alucard, why, this is wonderful!" the woman breathed, clasping her hands to her chest, twitching with greedy anticipation. "However," she quickly added, her eyes desperately surveying the mass in front of her, "You were still late."

"My apologies, Master," the vampire added with a grin. He could sense she was pleased, she couldn't hide that from him even with derogatory comments. With a sigh, he made his way to the door, the thoughts of sleep and the escape of sunlight giving him a rare sense of intense delight.

"Oh, and Alucard, before you depart…" she blurted quickly, pausing just as fast. Tearing her blue beauties from the desk, she locked them onto Alucard's red ones.

"Anything, my master," he said with a gentle tone, a roguish smile creeping into his features. She knew that she owed him for this, he could feel it.

"Could you pick me up some tampons?"

"DO WHAT?!"


End file.
